Object oriented programming for cats

Baudrillard missed a trick missing cats out of his analysis of the system of objects. Cats, I'm convinced, would be gold medallists if that game where you have to spot what object has been taken away or added to a table or tray were ever an Olympic event (and cats could enter).

Cats think in a unique way that has been harnessed by many of the great programming languages. Object oriented programming (OOP) is the driver behind Java, for example, and other computer languages I can't be bothered to look up on Wikipedia.

This is how cats assess anything you might bring in to the house. Note that they will spot anything new immediately. This is known as a 'cat scan'.

1. Can I eat it?


2. Can I rub my nose against it?


3. Can I scratch it?


4. Can I jump in it?


5. Can I lie down on it?


6. Can I sit on it?


7. Can I bat it across the floor for a few seconds then lose interest?

Answering no to any of those questions sends the cat on to the next. Answering yes will not prevent it then trying out subsequent questions.

There are sub-classes of object which do not require it to be a new addition to the environment:

Is the object an item of clothing? Yes? Go to next line. No? Go to subroutine (furniture)

Has it been ironed? Yes? Sleep on it. End program.

Has it just been worn? Yes? Sleep on it. End program.

Is it likely to be needed in the very near future? Yes? Sleep on it. End program.

Is the object a piece of furniture? Yes? Go to next line. No? Go to subroutine(warmObject)


Has someone just been sitting on it? Yes? Sleep on it. End program.

Is someone likely to want to sit on it again in the near future? Yes? Sleep on it in a cutely adorable way. End program.

Is the object warm? Yes? Go to next line. No? Go to next subroutine.

Sleep on it (optional: walk round and round for several minutes first then possibly move front paws up and down in a padding motion. If object=legs, do this with claws out.)

Is the object a newspaper? Yes? Go to next line. No? Go to next subroutine (notAnObject)

Is the newspaper being read? Yes? Sit on it. Then lie down on it.

No? Sit on it anyway until it is.

No object spotted

For time > 30 seconds < 5 minutes

Random(sleep, clean, eat, annoy, beg to be let out then come straight back in again, chase something invisible, stare into space)

Repeat until newObject=true